Thursday, May 5, 2011

The mean kid

What do you do when there is a mean kid in your son's preschool class? What if that same kid is also in his Primary class? What do you do when no one wants to play with this kid? What do you do if this kid has been telling their teacher's no and being disobedient in class? What if this kid is your son?
I love my son and can see the good that he possesses. I'm not blind. I know my child is far from perfect. He is on the spoiled side and loves to get his own way. He is also a four-year-old boy, who likes to play rough. But he has such a sweet and wonderful side... he is famous for randomly coming up to me and saying that he needs 'a hug on the neck' and gives my big loves. He is a snuggle bug and gives the best kisses. He tells me he loves me ALL the time throughout the day. He definitely has us wrapped around his little finger.
I know that he can be naughty and throw fits. I know this. I'm trying to work on ways to keep him from acting out and trying to find ways to hold him accountable for his misbehavior.
My girls NEVER behaved this way. They never talked back to adults and caused problems. I really feel like I'm re-learning how to parent with this little guy.
It is the worst thing to see your child sit inside and cry that no one wants to play with him. I've tried to explain that it is because he doesn't play nice and when he acts like this then other boys don't want to be your friend. He doesn't get it. He is just hurt by it.
This week I had three different phone calls from random people telling me that he is a challenge and it needs to be addressed.
I feel like such a failure to my son. My heart aches for my sweet little boy that just wants friends to play with. There are things that I can do better to help him and Chris and I are trying different things with him.
I just wish that others got to see the sweet side of my son that I get to see...
I hate this feeling.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


Super Angie Супер Энджи said...

First YOU are not a failure, nor is your little cutie.
You know my Brennan, right? What a monster he can be. BUT he loves Jesus like no one else. He is always talking about how much loves his family. He too loves to snuggle. Soft heart these little wild ones have.

What I found was that *I* had to step it up as a mom. I couldn't be the lazy mom I was with Dallin- -oh what an easy kid he is! I had to get active. I planned special one on one things with B. I took him out. I read with him. I let him sleep in my bed etc.

Use some family home evenings to talk about being nice.

AND then stop spoiling him. Its gonna be hard. Its gonna suck.

Tell the kids if they do _____ you will take them to walmart and they can each pick out something for $5 or whatever. THEN, if he misbaves, throws a fit, is rude etc, have him come with to the store, but let him know, as he watches everyone else shop, that because of his behavior he doesn't get it.

Last night, Brennan got his moterized bubble blower stuck in a neighbor's hair. Then in Tanith's hair. I had had it. DUH KID! If it happens to one perons, it will get stuck in other's! SO ...he had to sit in his bed for 30 minutes as I took the other kids down stairs to the pool at our complex. He cried and cried. After 30 minutes we let him join us.

BUT 30 minutes before bed time, he hit Tanith and yelled at me. He got sassy with me. Usually I wash his mouth out with soap- but last night he had to go to bed early--and listen to the rest of us roast marshmallows and dance around.

Will B learn? He is 7. Who knows. But the spirit keeps telling me to love him.

Wanna come out to CO the weekend of May 20th? You need a Keystone Break!

HollySteffen said...

I follow your blog from Beverly Bunker's....

My kids aren't in school yet, but they are in primary. (I can see similar problems coming when school age hits) I think you are doing a GREAT job as a parent.... I think those other kids need to be addressed (especially the primary ones) about loving everyone just like Jesus. There is no reason ANYONE should be excluded or "not played with" in primary. You should have a heart to heart with the Primary Pres.

Teach him to love and respect everyone-- even when they don't want to play. Sometimes kids don't want to play just because. Tell him that it's okay... not everyone has to play with him all the time. I am sure you are doing this.

I agree with addressing it at FHE. That way he doesn't get singled out and the spirit can speak to him and teach him. These kids are so in tune with the spirit... that could be all he needs.

Overall, I say cut him some slack. ;) He's only four! Just keep teaching and loving him and eventually it will click.

Just my two cents. As a mom of 2 boys I can sympathize...

Karen Pedersen said...

Oh, Jenny! My heart aches for you. I had one just like this. We learned really quickly for this child that positive reinforcement was what worked. He could care less about time outs, spankings, or any other kind of punishments when he acted out. They did absolutely NOTHING to help. If anything, it just make things worse.

I was just sick over it and knew that after Kindergarten he had already been labeled as the "bad kid." As soon as I found out who his first grade teacher was going to be I went and met with her. Of course, she had already heard about him. I shared my worries and concerns with her as I cried my eyes out, and told her what we found was working with him at home. She was WONDERFUL. In fact, I think she changed the course of this child's life! She made a notebook just for him and every day she wrote something in it that he had done that was GOOD. He brought it home and we signed it and praised him for this behavior and the next day he took it back and the process began again. I remember one day when she wrote, "Tannon did so great in line at the water fountain today. He didn't push anyone." I couldn't help but giggle. She must have had to look really hard that day to find something positive!

What I think this did for my son was help him focus on the positive things that he did and helped us be able to applaud them too. I was so worried that he would be exactly what everyone was already thinking he was, "the bad boy" or "the naughty boy". This wise teacher helped us 're-label' him.

As you know, Tannon is now all grown up, is currently serving a mission and has a scholarship to college waiting for him when he returns. Faisy will be just fine! He has great parents who love him and will do whatever they need to to help him. This post proves it! Help him find his good behavior and praise it to no end. It works! I have living proof!

Love you!

Michele said...

Jenny- I am so sorry that things are ruff with Faize. All I can say is follow the spirit and do whatever you are prompted to do. Their is good in everybody. Faizel is a sweet boy. He will turn out just fine because he has two great, loving, devoted parents. My heart goes out to you. My kids are noo where near perfect but I didn't realize what having a hard kid is until we have had Ethan in our home the last year and a half. The thing I have found with trying to discipline him that is key is finding what motivates him. His is how his peers look at him so I play off that to set boundaries and punishments. It is hard, emotionally draining at times I am not going to lie but your child is worth it! The Lord knew you were the perfect family for him and it will all work out!

Allie said...

Jenny I love your son!! tell him that!!! his favorite cousin loves him to pieces!

Nikki said...

Ahh Jenny, I know how you feel.

We have some regularly rotating FHEs in our home.

Reverence and honesty were/are regulars.

Now that my oldest is 9 and my nearly 4 year old is also acting similar, we've finally had him evaluated. We're discovering that he has a Sensory Integration Disorder. A REAL disorder explaining WHY he acts the way he does. Danny and I are starting to understand him more.

It's still hard. People don't understand. We talk to Primary teachers, Scout Leaders and others a lot! It doesn't excuse their behavior, but it helps these other influential adults understand them.

And boy, do we pray. We pray and fast. We lose it. often. We pray and pray more.

Some things are just boy things. And some things are Sensory Processing things.

So, yeah, not spoiling and following through definitely helps. But if there's something more, follow your mother's instinct. I regret that I didn't have my oldest evaluated older.

I did try. I asked Pediatricians. They said, "Oh you just don't understand little boys."

or "No, it's not ADHD, he's sitting there at less than 5 reading a book. Obviously he can focus. He's just so smart. There's nothing wrong."

"No, he just needs more physical activity."

"You need to change your discipline."

"Cut out additives and food coloring."

"He needs to be 'socialized.'"

"This is because you homeschooled him last year."

and on and on and on.

But we are finally learning the real truth. and getting to know our little boys better.

Here's hoping the twins don't have the same disorder. lol

I'll say a prayer for you Jenny. But I know you're an amazing woman and an amazing mother. Your little guy is so lucky to have you. Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for you.

One other thought (to add to the novel I'm writing lol), there are a couple really good books that helped change my thinking about my kids. One is Raising your Spirited Child. It's an easy read. I highly recommend it.